spoiled

i guess this is another confession.

we had a great christmas. wonderful gifts. we always start the morning at our house, opening gifts between jared and me. this was the first year that alena was awake and interested in christmas (and the first year we bought her gifts.) it was a lot of fun.

from there, we get ready and head about 30 min away to jared's parents house to do a huge christmas with his parents, brother, sister, her husband and their 2 kids. jared's parents are extremely generous and go all out for christmas. it's really quite ridiculous how many gifts they buy everyone, and truth be told, it makes me a bit uncomfortable.

but what i finally realized this year, when there's plenty, i get greedy. do you do this? christmas has the tendency to turn into one big shopping spree between black friday to christmas eve. sure, i had a budget and we stuck to it. we made a list and didn't stray from it. it would probably make others uncomfortable if they knew what non-shopping tightwads we are the rest of the year. i really enjoy this time to let loose and shop the way i imagine most americans do normally.

but this year, i was helping alena open gifts, and our piles got combined. as alena opened hers, i realized my pile wasn't very big. can you believe it? these people give us an insane amount of gifts and i'm sitting there thinking "wow, i guess this is what happens when you have kids" ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? what a bratty thing for me to think!

but here's what i notice about myself, and i wonder if i'm alone. do you ever find yourself opening the last gift and you have that quiet little voice say "that's it?" or do you find yourself opening a gift and before it's even fully out of the box, you're thinking about returning it and exchanging it for something else? do you ever catch yourself a couple hours later, making a check list of what you wanted but didn't get? do you fantasize about hitting the mall during the next week and finishing off your wish list?

what insane, spoiled, immature, ingrateful thoughts!!! i love everything i got this year, and i didn't do anything to deserve it. but i think the mentality of being allowed to buy anything you see during the holiday season carries over to christmas morning. is it that we've anticipated the gifts so much that there's no surprise BIG enough to truly satisfy us? i'm not saying that we don't love our gifts or aren't thankful for the thoughtfulness that went into them. i'm talking about a teeny, tiny little voice WAAAYYY back in the very back of your head. so small that you probably don't even admit that it's there. it's not like i was sitting there all grouchy. i wasn't. i'm just saying there's a .000000001% of my mind thinking this.

so this year, i grabbed a notepad and before we exchanged anything, before i ripped tags off and put it away, before toys and books got mixed in with all the other books and toys, i wrote it all down. a list of everything jared, heather and alena got for Christmas, 2009. even the dirty santa gifts and stocking stuffers. it's really awful when someone says "whadya get?" on Dec. 27 and you can only think of 1 or 2 things and then have a blank face. and this list isn't so i can give others an inventory of my gifts, because it's so not important what you get, but just so i can remember to be thankful. to remember the sweet stories that come with almost every gift as the giver was searching out just the right thing. i'm also going to start writing down what we do to celebrate birthdays and anniversaries and mother's and father's days. because i really hate thinking "what did we do to celebrate my 23rd birthday?" i know that we did something special, that people sent me cards and even gave me a gift or two. i know that people took the time to share a meal and maybe some cake with me. and it's just bratty of me to not remember and be appreciative of it.

so maybe that's my new year's resolution. to remember, even if it requires actual journaling. to be grateful. to shush that spoiled voice in my head that's very quietly, distantly stamping its foot and demanding more. more what? you were born with more than most of the world will ever see. you've acquired more in your adult life than what even many americans will. i have no right to do anything but count my blessings and shower my loved ones with thankfulness.

may you have a wonderful end of the holiday season and not fall prey to that post-christmas let down feeling.