confessions and some not-so-deep thoughts

so here is a deep confession that is hard to even admit to myself, let alone to others. especially since i can't recall everyone who reads this...

for a while i've been going strongly anti-materialism or consumerism or something. harshly judging anyone that i perceived to be materialistic and shallow based on their designer clothes, overly blond hair and too-tanned skin, giant SUV and mcmansions. you know the type. i know that everywhere else i have lived has had plenty of wealthy people and people who enjoy their wealth, but it never bothered me. nashville seems so...pretentious. it seems so showy and over the top. add to these people their sugary sweet, thick, southern accents and their mega-church religion and it's just too much. i quickly became disgusted with it and tend to go the opposite extreme now. which causes guilt any time i shop for brand new things (as opposed to buying them 2nd hand). it makes me wonder if i would be going against my own principles if i buy something "too nice." i'm not quite sure if it's actually nashville that is different, or just the people i was around when we first moved here (who were totally into the socialite scene), or if it's just me.. i've known for a while that i'm wrong to judge them. i mean, if i had an income of $200,000/yr, i know i would be debt free and would give a lot of money away, but would i really not get my hair and nails done or wear nice clothes and a nice car?

so a couple days after thanksgiving, after the crowds had calmed down a bit, i ventured out. i do enjoy christmas shopping b/c it's the one time a year i allow myself to spend money like this without the guilt. i get to feel like a "normal" american. christmas is kind of the time we catch up and buy all the things we didn't allow ourselves to buy the rest of the year. i went to green hills mall with a friend (green hills is a pretty upscale mall in an upscale area of nashville). she had been there maybe once, even though she was born and raised in nashville. i said "so..you've never been in pottery barn, restoration hardware, williams-sonoma, tiffanys...?" as we walked in these stores, i was taken in by all the shiny expensive newness of it all. she...didn't seem impressed. not turned off, but acted the same way as if we were walking through target or old navy. that, plus some conversations with some other non-materialistic people in my life, started me thinking...

here's the hard confession part: i think, maybe, possibly, the reason i have all these strong feelings about all this might be...jealousy. i used to walk in ann taylor and banana republic and tell jared and myself "one day, my closet will be full of all these clothes." however, i've chosen a life that has yet to afford me the ability to walk in and buy whatever $80 article of clothing i choose. but i think i still want it. and i shouldn't. there's a million reasons why...it's a waste of money, it's not necessary, pants are pants, money can be better spent (or saved) on other things, and we simply can't afford it. i have student loans still to pay and i'm a stay at home mom. those are both decisions jared and i made together, willingly, happily, knowing that our financial situation would be on "survival" mode a few more years. and that's fine. i know that when i go back to work, it will take, at most, 2 years before we're debt free except the house. that's amazing. i know at any moment i could choose to go back to work. but you could offer me a $50,000/yr job right now and (assuming jared wouldn't quit his job to stay with alena) i wouldn't take it. i've made a conscious choice for my life, a decision i'm proud of, to have less money in favor of finishing college on time and now to stay home with alena. i'm proud of those decisions and wouldn't change either one. but the fact remains. i need to get rid of this jealousy. not that i want their giant SUV or to look like them or even have their "OMG! this uh-maze-ing bag is on sale, i just HAVE to HAVE it!" attitude. that's not me. but somewhere i decided that they're judging me as poor or trashy or something based on a car a drive or the clothes i wear or the way my hair looks. which started me thinking negatively toward these SUV-driving, mcmansion-house owning, soccer moms everywhere. i need to work on letting this go and being ok with me as me and letting them be them without judgement.

ok. other thoughts:
our tree is up and decorated. we went to a tree farm and cut it down ourselves. it was fun. we put it up, the next night put lights on it, the night after that decorated it. i finally put up the tinsel this morning. i love tinsel. just a little bit of silver to make the lights shimmer more. call me a bad mom, but we waited until alena was in bed to decorate. i'm reading other people's FB status about their toddlers helping, but....well, call me controlling. hey, she woke up the next day and was amazed by it. she's doing a great job of standing at the tree to look at it but not touching. i have a little 2 ft tree and some un-breakable decorations that we're going to put in her room. she can touch that one as much as she wants.

long story of how this could even happen, but today will be marked in alena's baby book as her first time munching on cat food. our cats have their own little room in the basement with a window/cat door. they come and go as they please, so there's usually no way alena can even get to the cat food. but last night was an exception. she liked it. i totally got the heebie jeebies as i made her spit it out in my hand and washed my hands. ick.

as a kid, apples were one of my favorite fruits. as an adult, not so much. i still like them, but they're kind of like..eh. i found out why. um, hirsch's has the BEST apples in the world, hands down. i've always known their cider was the best and i've never found even a close 2nd. but mom and dad brought me apples. oh. my. goodness. they're good. not to mention the smell of them brings back memories of the orchard.

i'm going to a friend's house this afternoon for a baking day. she and her MIL (who is also a friend of mine) are baking all day and invited alena and me to come too. i'm going to make decorated sugar cookies, snicker doodles and peppermint bark. or maybe i'll save the snicker doodles for another time. we'll see.

my 2nd time hosting thanksgiving was a success. we had all the standard foods...i made everything from scratch except the stuffing and gravy (which i don't eat, so didn't care to spend too much time on it) i'm just going to take a moment and say WOW. if i cooked like that every day, we'd never need to eat out. i'm not meaning to brag, but it was one delicious meal (ok, it was like 10 delicious meals with all the leftovers). the turkey was moist and flavorful, not dry. the pumpkin pie..well, i'm going to make another one for jared's family christmas party just so we can have more. i'm really not trying to brag, but i'm not known around here as a great cook, so i really am pretty proud of myself. :)

that's all for now. pray for me to let go of this stuff-itis and jealousy and this anti-keeping up with the joneses. don't get me wrong, the things i've become aware of during this time is a good thing. i never want to stop being a conscientious shopper with the sweat shop labor stuff, i'll never be comfortable with walmart again, and every time we buy "made in the USA" it keeps someone from losing their job. these are good things. i just want to stop feeling tormented by it all...

have a GREAT christmas season!!