am i home yet?

so... that old feeling is creeping back again. i'm so tired of it that i feel a bit trite even writing about it. but here it is again... even after a perfect day like today that i've had.

after college we moved to florida, stayed for 2.5 years and moved back to nashville 4+ years ago. it's time to get over it!!!

oh, how i wish i could. nashville is a great town. i can't say enough about it. it has culture and tons to do. lots of history, it's southern- but not to the point of being annoying. it's described as a big small town, which indeed it is. it is nice having family closer..having a babysitter with nana and being somewhat nearer to my parents. we really did hate having to miss birthdays, holidays and even weddings and funerals of close friends and family. i absolutely adore our house and neighborhood.

however. you've heard the saying about getting sand in your shoes, or your blood thinning out, or, my personal favorite, "if you're lucky enough to live by the sea, you're lucky enough." so every so often, the ache to be back in florida overwhelms me. jared is tired of hearing about it, as are all of you, i'm sure. i'm sick of it too. i wish i could either figure out a way to logistically get back to florida.... or appreciate our 2.5 years there for what it is and move on.

there were two defining moments for me on this (aside from the smell of orange blossoms in the air, driving down A1A with the top down, taking my sunday naps on the beach, etc. etc.)

1) when i was pregnant and a new mom. nothing says "womanhood" like during pregnancy and as a new mom. i needed strong, supportive women surrounding me. in fact, the midwife told me to come up with 2-3 women that i could trust to come help me after the baby was born. when i looked around to the people i knew in nashville....i came up with absolutely no one that i was comfortable to come see me half naked or share my birth or even to help me use the bathroom. not a single person. my mom and best girl friend were in ohio and a host of women i loved in florida. i was so homesick for brevard county during that time.

2) when our dear friend sue pinch passed away. we went down for her funeral. we had been gone for 4 years, hadn't visited in 1.5 years. however, the people there took us in as if we had been gone a couple weeks (even though they too were in mourning). from church people to former co-workers, it just felt like HOME in a way i can't describe.

in general, i'm prone to wanderlust..there's many places i'd like to go or live. but for the most part, all those other places i'd be content to visit and thoroughly enjoy for an extended weekend. but when i quiet all outside voices and just listen to my heart, my home is in florida--an extended weekend is not enough. and when i think about it, i get angry that i've already missed 4 years with our friends there. we do plan on moving back at some point in the future, but it's no time in the foreseeable future.

anyway.... some changes in our life are being made right now, and hopefully it will help cure some of this loneliness that only romanticizes our life in florida. i know that when the timing is right, we'll know it. we are finally to the point of having a few friends here in nashville, but this city just has never felt like home to me. i wonder how many years i have to spend here before it does...