once upon a time there was a girl who was outgoing, determined, extroverted, well adjusted, confident and loud. she had lots of friends and was never alone unless she chose to be (which was rare). life wasn't perfect, but there were definite moments of "wow, this day is just amazing." overwhelming surges like this. she felt sure of herself, always had a plan and was able to roll with the punches when life got in the way.
she continued this way through high school and college...though it is suspected the change came some time during college...but it's never easy to truly pinpoint those moments. but somehow, somewhere, her self assurance began to chip away. soon, the girl who was proud of who she was, not in a conceited way but in the way mothers hope their daughters to be, lost herself. she became way too concerned about what people thought of her, and even worse, of her perception of what other people must think of her (which was too often exaggerated in her head for the negative). now, instead of making friends easily, she found herself talking to people unable to think of anything else except how she must be offending them, annoying them, or just looking ugly or fat or frumpy. they must look at her and think badly of her clothes, her hair, her skin, the words coming out of her mouth.
this girl spent some time living by the sea, surrounded by an amazing group of people. this helped to slow the denigration of her self worth, though a couple situations there confirmed the words of the demons in her head.
she happily, eagerly and willingly moved to tennessee, a head full of new hopes and dreams. however, our outgoing girl, with an inherent need for many close friends, fell into a lonely rut after a time of not really finding any.
the story gets complicated here. she was slow in making close friends, but it wasn't necessarily for lack of opportunity. part of it was absolutely a culture shock and just being a circle trying to fit into a square. however, several people from several different avenues were introduced to our girl, but by this point, the voices in her head outshouted any actual conversations that might blossom into friendships. some people made an effort to befriend our girl, but the fear of her self held her back. some of those opportunities have fizzled. there were other people that she desperately wanted to befriend, but when she reached out, the interest wasn't returned. you see, sometimes when people have a negative voice in their head, one slight external negative will strongly enforce that voice, while a dozen external positives will go unheard. this is what happened.
the girl has searched herself, trying to figure out why so blue. was it the new location in tennessee? the group of people she had a regular interaction with? is it that everyone else is normal and something has just gone wrong in her own mind?
i don't know. i just really hate feeling this way. i hate having a clear blue, crisp, perfect autumn day and still feeling in a funk. not being able to break it even though i'm making a concerted effort to try. i hate that even if i'm alone and feeling ok, the moment i spend any amount of time talking to another person, all those thoughts creep back into my head again. and pretty soon, rather than having a pleasant conversation, i'm determined that they have no interest in what i'm saying and i'm just wasting their time.
the bottom line is this. this is NOT who i am. heather alena downs throneberry are all those things described above. i know who i am, i know what i want in life, i know where i'm going and i know what i believe. but somehow i've lost me. i can't BE me anymore, haven't been able to for a while. it's the strangest feeling ever. it leaves me feeling crazy. it leaves me being discontent and wishing for a previous location and previous people. and it certainly leaves my husband scratching his head.
i've heard that 30 is a great age. that so many people finally figured out who they were and became comfortable in their skin once they hit 30. so i'm looking forward to next may. but what drives me crazy is that i HAVE known who i am, i have never been uncomfortable in my skin until the last couple years. i don't like thinking that i've wasted my 2nd half of my 20s on this nonsense.
this girl, cheer for her. she knows who she is, and she's beautiful. she's loved by many people spread out over many states. she hasn't been able to let many people in tennessee close enough to her to love her. she will survive this, but she needs to find herself. come on, girl. you can do it.
* mercifully, there have been 1-2 people at any given time she could talk to. thanks kimberly and hillary and jenn, and thanks katie and sunshine for being there and available for me.
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I finally had a chance to catch up your blog... first let me say, this is beautifully written- you could write a book :)
ReplyDeleteI think that at some point everyone goes through this- I know I have/am. I'm not sure what it is, though I'm guessing it's Satan working hard core on me. He knows that my biggest insecurity is what others will think of me, and so he hammers into my brain, and into my heart, that I should only feel validated if others look at me and think I'm "cool", "neat", "lovely", etc. - which of course, he says, they don't.
One of the biggest challenges when we moved was finding a group that we fit into. And when someone "our age" (relatively speaking, of course!) invited us to join their "circle", I found myself sitting very quietly, very stiffly, in the chair, because I was positive that if I opened my mouth they would never invite us back...
Turns out that's what most of the ladies (girls?? not sure what to call us upper 20's/early 30's gals)there were thinking. "What if that new couple thinks we're weird?" I thank God that one of them overcame Satan's voice and personally invited me over- because Lord knows I wasn't strong enough to do that.
All it takes is one person. One person who decides they are stronger than the grip that satan puts on our hearts/minds. One person who says "if I feel this way, surely I'm not alone." I'm trying really hard to be that person now... all be it several years too late. I wonder how many people have met me, but then turned around and walked out, all because I was too afraid of what they would think of the real me, and they were too afraid of what I would think of the real them. Thus making satan the ultimate champion.
I write all this to let you know that you're not alone. I know that I have felt the same way, and struggle with it daily, hourly even. You could have been writing your blog about me, and I'm pretty sure you accurately described every girl (and probably boy) our age.
Now that we have figured out what satan is doing to destroy our relationships, often times before they've begun, what are we going to do about it?? What CAN we do about it?? My first step has been to remove my mask. A mask that I think was forced upon me- I never wanted to be something I knew I wasn't, and yet it happened. (satan). So I've thrown it in the fire (although I'm pretty sure it's made of iron- indestructable). I've decided that, even though I'm the newby here, someone has to be strong enough to beat satan.
And I can be that person. I can sit in a class and share, I can walk up to a stranger and introduce myself, I can invite someone over to my house to get to know them. And I know that I will worry myself to death about what they think, but I will do it. Because I desperately need connections. a support group. friends. And it may be that the only way I will get that is to be the one to take the initiative. The bold initiative.
The thing is, I know you can be that person, too. You have been that person- the extrovert who helped welcome others in to her circle.
I will continue to pray for you. That satan's voice that is screaming in your ear, wil be silenced. That God will revive the girl inside you. That He will revive your joy. And I will pray for your journey. That wherever you all go, someone there will have the courage to ignore satan's warnings, and step out and welcome you all in. I found that here, so I know it's possible :) And I know you will find that, too.
God Bless.